Daddy Issues

Recently so many things have presented themselves that have had a common denominator, which is my dad. Let me give you a little back story. I grew up without a father. He was out of my life after I was born because my mom found out he was unfaithful. He came back into our lives when I was four years old and it was so weird to me since he was a stranger who was supposed to be my dad. Unfortunately I did not have to get used to him for too long since he left after a month. I never heard from him after that. Then when I was around 12 years old, my family and I traveled to Ecuador and set up a time to see my dad. Again it was the same awkward feeling, he acted like no time had passed. It was a very surreal moment in my life but that was the last time I saw him. So now that I am 29 years old I realize the void it created in my life since for so long I just pushed it away and was tough about it. This year my dad not being in my life has come up more than once and I’ve discovered how much of a loss its been and how much I actually wished I had a healthy upbringing. Growing up I always said that since he was not present and was never there that I felt no lack but in reality it was a huge loss in my life and I see how its affected me. Last week I went on a first date and was approached by a transient women. She came up to my date and I and began to evaluate the situation. She said, talking about my date who we’ll call Tom,

“All he wants to do is have sex with you but girl don’t worry you have all the power, you control the situation just know that. But don’t do that to her though dude because she has daddy issues.”

I was completely taken back after she said this. Everything she said before she revealed my daddy issues was correct. Sex, now isn’t that what drives men to take a women out and make her his girlfriend. I mean that is what it leads to so she was right on that. Then she also said that I have the power which is correct again. My friend and I actually have a name for it, pussy power =) its true though because if we’re not interested then its a red light for them. But once she called me out on my daddy issues I was floored, not because of her current track record but because I thought it was too much of a coincidence. I saw my life coach Archie, the night after the date and I told him that I felt pain on the left side of my chest and felt a vein that was popping out. He asked me if I was experiencing family problems and I didn’t understand because I thought he was talking about family medical history. So when he clarified what it was, the first thing that popped into my mind was my dad. I responded while being choked up and I began to cry and we began the process of shedding and processing the void. Afterwards I told my coach about what happened with the transient the night before. He told me that while I’m working on myself I will be more in tune with my environment. People and situations are going to speak to me and therefore being more aware I will understand why they are occurring. He said things won’t be coincidence anymore they will make sense because I am one with the universe and the creator is purposely creating these situations for me. That session was very important for me since now I am able to see things with new eyes. Since a lifetime of loss won’t heal with just one session of processing I came into contact with my dad again this week. Just yesterday I  was filing my moms messy papers and I came across a receipt. I found a receipt that stated that my dad worked in Lompoc, California as a radio broadcaster. Boom he hit again, I am still shedding the emotions since I never showed emotion over this man and tried to conceal it. I am tired of being strong but the truth is, it hurts. He’s never been in my life I’ve never had that feeling, that love from a man, my father. Being raised by women wasn’t easy and it would’ve been great to have him in my life. Why did you leave us? Two young daughters and a wonderful woman behind. You left my mom to raise us on her own without any help from you whatsoever. I’m ok with saying, yes I have daddy issues but at least I’m healing and processing now. Before I would just say it’s ok I’ve learned to deal with it but that’s a huge lie. I learned to repress it and that’s damaging. So I’m ok with it and I’m ok with processing my emotions because I’m ready to shed it and I know I’m on my way.

My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.
My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.

Me

So the reason why I’ve been seeing this miracle worker who is adjusting my bones, yeah bones. I know it sounds crazy and unreal but this man is truly sent from above. Anyhow we’ll go back to him later. When I was 16 years old I was in a life-changing car accident. I was in a coma for a week and a half and suffered a traumatic brain injury, punctured lung, hairline fracture on my collar bone, and a fractured rib and was hospitalized for one month. I went through an intensive rehabilitation program where I saw a speech therapist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, and recreation therapist. It was a hell of a ride and once I was able to understand what happened to me, all I could think of was getting out of that sterile place and go back to what I was accustomed to, being a spunky teenage girl. I desperately wanted to go back to school, now what high school junior wants to go to school? Well when you’re taken away from everything that’s familiar and isolated in a small room where Doctors and nurses are your friends instead of your teenage friends, you’d probably want to go back too. I had no time to feel sorry for myself, sad, or even cry about what happened, I never showed my emotions. I had constant visitations from friends and even though I was happy to see them and hear all that was happening in school I started to feel sad and anxious about not being there. Slowly but surely my visitations were cut short because I became overwhelmed at night. I was unable to sleep at night due to all the stories I heard from my friends and my memories from school. Needless to say, that would be the first obstacle I had to face. I was prescribed sleeping medication in order to wind down at night. During my stay, I learned that the therapists that worked with me got together to talk about my progress every week. Because of this, I made sure I impressed them while in therapy. I knew I had to shock them in order to get released from the hospital so I pulled out all the stops. I remember one of my sessions with my recreational therapist was to bake cookies. I used to bake cookies all the time with my best friend so of course, I had to show her my skills. I impressed all of my therapists during sessions and was surprisingly out of the hospital in exactly a month from being admitted. I was admitted April 16, 2002, and was released May 16, 2002; ten days before my birthday! I know its pretty unbelievable but it happened. All this was way too convenient because who wants to spend their birthday in a hospital? It seemed like after all the grief my family and I went through we were finally getting some slack. After being released I was only seen by a speech therapist. My rehabilitation still required more although that was the only therapy strongly suggested by the doctor so I went to a speech therapist. I stayed with the speech therapist for two years and she worked on the side effects I acquired from the accident: short term memory, aphasia (communication disorder that affects the ability to use or understand language), and deductive reasoning. She helped me with tips on remembering things like making a schedule and writing things down on post so that I can be reminded of important dates and such. She also helped me go through the proper steps when doing routine tasks, like when she asked me how I make a sandwich and I said everything except for the bread (wow did I need help). As you can see speech therapy played a major role in my personal outcome but unfortunately, I required much more help. Fast forward to 6 years post the accident and every morning I wake up as if I got ran over by a train, I have to constantly turn my mattress so that it’s as even as possible and for the longest time I don’t know why I feel this way. I finally realize that this is a result of the car accident. I am constantly fatigued and not very happy about the pain I was enduring on a daily basis. My back and neck took the brunt of the impact but nobody thought about how my body would feel years after the accident. I lived with this pain for 7 years, until my mom meets Archie at a party. This is the man who is healing my body and readjusting my bones. With just light compression with his two hands, he has been able to rediscover my sunken ribs, clavicle, shoulder, hips, and femurs. The impact moved not only my brain in my skull but also the bones in my body. This man is who I have been seeing, he’s not only treated and adjusting my body but he is also providing therapy to heal my anxiety and pain I’ve endured leading up to where I am at. So when I say I’m on a road to recovery I mean it in every way it translates.

Free Yourself

I’m currently under construction and I’ve been seeking guidance and support. I have come across this God sent man who is not only readjusting my body, which is another story that I’ll have to fill you in on later, but also helping me heal emotionally and spiritually. He has truly enlightened me more than I could ever imagine. Even though I have always been spiritual and try to maintain a positive perspective, what he has taught me has definitely resonated and brought noticeable change in me. This man truly has a gift in healing. He is teaching me to let go, kinda like the Frozen song and accept situations for what they are. See anytime we make a judgement, assumption, or a statement that is not morally accepted by others we tend to conceal it because we know we shouldn’t be thinking like that, we judge our feelings/thoughts. What he teaches is that your feelings are your feelings; and if you feel a certain way towards someone or something just let them be. Don’t judge yourself on it or try to rationalize it. Accept that feeling because at that moment that is how you felt and it’s ok to feel however you did. After you accept your feeling you release it, otherwise lack of acceptance creates repression within our being. Now the reason why repressing those feelings or thoughts are not beneficial is because what if we encounter that same person or situation again? We automatically tend to have a negative state of mind about it. This incorrect association from your bad experience does not have any correlation to the new experience you will have but since you didn’t release the feeling in the moment it stays inside you and you are reminded of what occurred. This unreleased feeling/thought does not hurt the other person but hurts you. Now I’m not saying to express your feelings/thoughts directly to those individuals or proclaim them in public but in a private setting or in a mental statement, just as long as you accept and release. Another example of holding onto self perceived negative feelings/thoughts is when someone cuts you off and you repress your anger. Instead of screaming at them in your car or releasing the feelings by flipping the bird you bottle those in. Since you didn’t accept those feelings they could show up as taking your anger out on someone else for no good reason, now you have an unnecessary situation with someone else. You see, as soon as you accept your feelings for what they are as true and in the moment and then release, you enter personal freedom. We are the only ones that can free ourselves, nobody else. Walking around with all these repressed feelings/thoughts is what creates disease and sickness, they physically hurt our body. They are ailments such as anxiety and depression and not to mention stress. But once you learn to accept and let go you will create ultimate bliss and happiness. To know you are not perfect and you will never be is beautiful and freeing in itself. Recognizing this truth is the beginning of mental freedom.