Atypical

Isn’t it funny how when we greet people, we say, “Hi how are you?” But rarely do we want to know, how they really are. The response we want to hear back is the typical, “Good, how are you?” We want to keep it moving and get to where we want to go. In other words I’m just being nice and saying hi without much regard to really trying to understand what you may be going through at this moment. I won’t say that I’m void of this type of interaction because I would be lying if I did. Most days I can barely keep up with my own emotions, circumstances, and stories to take on someone else’s. But what happens when you get the truth? When the person is honest, and opens up to you about how they really are feeling.  I’ve noticed that people don’t know how to react, it gets awkward and nobody knows what to do or say or you get the complete opposite. The person answers back disregarding all of your feelings. This happens to me often, sometimes I am in over my head with my current situation, I feel like if someone else asks me how I am doing I can’t look at them with a straight face and feed them the, “I’m good” lie. Unfortunately even when feeling safe with someone it doesn’t mean that person is ready to hear your story. Its really hard to understand feelings and or experiences, everybody feels their emotions and experiences differently, the way I feel can be so foreign to the way you feel. I realize how uncomfortable people become when you are open and honest. I often think of the sketch from The Chappell Show, that is called, “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”. It showed Dave Chappell in situations without any filters. The social filters we place everyday so that we can present ourselves as a “typical person”, when in reality we are far from that. Most people don’t know how to respond to another human going through struggles. When I share, I almost feel a hit of regret, oh no, I’ve shared too much. When I share I guess I seek understanding for who I am, I know I am confusing, and its more of an explanation to why I am the way I am. I know sometimes I say things that don’t make sense and I forget a lot of things, but by opening up I also seek a deeper connection. I know at the core there is no need to explain myself and I am who I am but something inside me wants to. I want to show my vulnerabilities so that we can connect on a deeper level and you can share yours with me. I like to go straight into it and cut to the chase in a sense. I know we are all people, we all struggle, love, laugh, get angry, sad and so on. I like the raw version of people.

Because I am still purging, accepting, and healing my near death experience (I suffered a traumatic brain injury when I was 16 years old.) I struggle to relate and connect with others. Often times I feel like a little alien roaming the streets. Even though the accident was many years ago it is apart of my existence. It turned my world upside down, I process life in a totally different way. starseedsIronically, I crave a connection but find myself retracting socially all together because of my struggle to relate. I am noticing that when people don’t reciprocate the same advanced intimacy as mine, I get bored and I lose interest. I don’t do well with surface talk, I want to connect on a deeper level. The brain injury affected my social filters, which explains why I am confusing at times, say things out of order, or easily forget things. This all makes socializing and communicating interesting for me, thus making connecting a task. Most often than not, I retract because its easier. I don’t have to work it all before speaking, its kind of a task to when communicating. Other times I just go for it and take the plunge. I feel out the energy and if it feels safe and accepting, I continue but if its the opposite I take it personal. What I am learning the most is that not everybody will align with me, the craziness, the rawness, the weirdness and thats ok. Learning to love myself each day is a continuous practice, its easy to place blame on oneself but the more you accept the person you are nothing else matters. You see what don’ts align with you just as that. We are all on a different path, some may cross and some may not want to and again that is perfectly ok.

 

Beat Non Stop

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It was the time the day slowly turned into evening and the purple wisteria got ready to turn in for the night, the grand Moorish fortress of Alhambra basked in the last of the sun’s light. My than husband and I walked down the hill finishing our visit to a magical place when the sound of the guitar pierced the warm flower filled air. As if under a spell, I turned and walked toward the sound. Sitting on an ancient stone, a longhaired man held a guitar close to his chest, moving his fingers with the speed of light creating a sound that was out of this world. He was surrounded by gypsies that began to sing and dance as he finished his solo. I was mesmerized by the sound, feeling of wholeness that I had never felt in my 20 years of existence. My feet were moving to the vibrations of the sound and at that moment I knew that the beat that was so powerful was the beat of life itself connecting everything in the universe.

Music became my inspiration, and many years later with the help of many creative souls, I was blessed to open a place dedicated to it. Beat Non Stop, as it was called, located on Melrose Ave. in the heart of Hollywood. Beat Non Stop established in 1992 became a candy store for DJs and clubbers from around the globe. It was a hub where new tracks found their homes in DJ crates and where magical musical vortexes were created.

Mear and his graffiti crew created a fantastical world full of futuristic landscapes from other realms. LA’s best underground DJs came together to fill the record bins with vinyl from known and unknown artists and places. If I was to put together a list of names of all that became the family of artists, customers, record producers, clothing companies, writers, people that shared good and bad times with me, the list would be so long I would have to buy more memory in my laptop. I thank them for teaching me the power of music. The way it can heal and uplift at the most difficult times. The way it can bestow wisdom on you while you are dancing, and the way you can become enlightened when connecting to the sound. For all the amazing experiences I had and continue having I thank my Beat Non Stop family for being the light on my adventure I call life.

XOXOXO NINA

Nina now sells designer vintage garments on Ebay and has a wonderful blog called unicorns and jam  I was lucky enough to receive her story before she posts this to her own blog. Thank you Nina.

 

2015

Happy New Year friends its been a minute since I’ve posted. So glad to be back!! I have discovered so much while I’ve been away and have been fully captivated by family and friends this holiday season.  I believe we spend so much time wrapped up in the hoopla of it all that we forget whats really going on. The holiday season really brings your loved ones together and if you don’t take advantage of it then everything goes back to normal. You quickly go back to the day to day life where you rarely get to see your loved ones and you go through that time period when your trying to fit friends into your crazy schedule.

During these times I reflected on how tough I’ve become, not allowing emotions or feelings to resonate in my body but instead I would put them aside as if I didn’t have time to deal and process them.  I’ve realized that I’ve become this stone of a person where really nothing affected. I learned that my life had taught me these coping mechanisms to deal with my life struggles that I was exposed to at a young age. At this point there is no reason for me to dwell over what has already been done but now its time for me to heal and finally process all these feelings that have made me become this tough girl. I am happy that 2014 was there to show me how much I have to accept my feelings in order to shed them and be able to grow from them and really and truly move on. I am ready to release my hardships, process, mend, and most importantly love and love fully. Thankfully I am well on my cleansing and self-discovery journey and I am glad to welcome 2015 with open arms.

xoxo

My beautiful nephew and niece
My beautiful nephew and niece
My sister and her kiddos.
My sister and her kiddos.
Funky Sole @ Echoplex with my friend Judy.
Funky Sole @ Echoplex with my friend Judy.
With my step niece Lisette.
With my step niece Lisette.
Selfie with my nephew.
Selfie with my nephew.
My mom and my sister.
My mom and my sister.
My family consists of women except for my nephew =)
My family consists of women except for my nephew =)