The Unknown, We Meet Again

I was recently laid off from my job, which created stability in my life. At the same time, I found that I have been hiding behind this job, in other words, I have been using it to hold me back from my true path. From putting yoga as my number one priority and sharing that and all that I have to offer with the world. It has kept me in a bubble where I’m playing it safe, playing small. That cliche phrase comes to mind, everything happens for a reason and I believe stepping into my power is the reason.

I feel like I am being nudged to put more effort into what I do, yoga and energy work. To really step into that role I have visualized is foreign to me. It’s not something I do often, put myself out there for the world to judge, critique, and or admire/respect me. But there are a lot of different elements that come up when taking on this responsibility. Having the ability to be vulnerable is huge while incorporating self-compassion, neutrality, and last but not least having humility are some of the core elements that pop up while traversing through this unknown journey. That is currently my life.

Being vulnerable means that you have to put yourself out there regardless of what others think of you. Other people’s perspectives do not have a place when you are claiming your role in any area of your life. Keeping in mind that people will always have their own point of view but that should not affect your actions in moving forward. I am currently just starting to make more of a presence, all while feeling uncomfortable but still coming out on the other side. Like hey, everything is still ok, I’m still alive, thankfully those feelings don’t last forever. I keep telling myself that, the more I keep doing it, the less icky it will feel.

Self-compassion is another key quality to have on this journey. Knowing that failure is inevitable is something we should all come to peace with. I won’t always do what is best and what is right and as hard as I am on myself, creating that space where I don’t self-blame and begin the pity party. I can be one to dwell on things and hold on and this is giving me good practice to accept things I can not control. I am beginning to practice along with this receiving failure in a lighthearted manner, again it’s not easy but it brings me back to this game called Life we are here to play. Seeing life as a child, with an open mind, and not taking everything so seriously.

Being able to hold a space of neutrality is important and follows self-compassion. In order to be in a neutral headspace, we have to have some sense of self-compassion. That self-love creates a great foundation for being ok with the outcome. Self-compassion/self-love organically leads to being gentle with yourself and knowing that maybe sometimes our learning will take a couple of times until we can master a life skill and or lesson, and being neutral with the outcome. In this case, the outcome of putting yourself out there can only teach us how to refine our presentation. The idea of neutrality is being able to dissolve the expectations, being ok with whatever arises and having the humility to embrace a great outcome.

Humility is a great teacher. Have you ever noticed that you begin to slack off a little after receiving positive feedback/praise? Humility has a funny way of letting us know that’s not quite the case. I’m sure being in any field where you are around a lot of people exposes you to compliments and praise. But having the ability to receive compliments and at the same time not let them get to your head. The ego loves compliments and praise and this can be a slippery slope for some of us teachers to get stuck in, meanwhile closing off those compliments we don’t like BUT we do need to work on. I think humility sets everybody apart, just look at the different celebrities that are out there.

In one hand we are encouraged and prompted to put ourselves out there, to show our unique approach not only yoga but on anything we are passionate about and on the other hand, our responsibility is to navigate through this journey of integrity, love, compassion, vulnerability, confidence, softness, neutrality, and humility. We learn to create a healthy balance of it all. Welcoming the scary unknown and all of the elements that come with it.

2015

Happy New Year friends its been a minute since I’ve posted. So glad to be back!! I have discovered so much while I’ve been away and have been fully captivated by family and friends this holiday season.  I believe we spend so much time wrapped up in the hoopla of it all that we forget whats really going on. The holiday season really brings your loved ones together and if you don’t take advantage of it then everything goes back to normal. You quickly go back to the day to day life where you rarely get to see your loved ones and you go through that time period when your trying to fit friends into your crazy schedule.

During these times I reflected on how tough I’ve become, not allowing emotions or feelings to resonate in my body but instead I would put them aside as if I didn’t have time to deal and process them.  I’ve realized that I’ve become this stone of a person where really nothing affected. I learned that my life had taught me these coping mechanisms to deal with my life struggles that I was exposed to at a young age. At this point there is no reason for me to dwell over what has already been done but now its time for me to heal and finally process all these feelings that have made me become this tough girl. I am happy that 2014 was there to show me how much I have to accept my feelings in order to shed them and be able to grow from them and really and truly move on. I am ready to release my hardships, process, mend, and most importantly love and love fully. Thankfully I am well on my cleansing and self-discovery journey and I am glad to welcome 2015 with open arms.

xoxo

My beautiful nephew and niece
My beautiful nephew and niece
My sister and her kiddos.
My sister and her kiddos.
Funky Sole @ Echoplex with my friend Judy.
Funky Sole @ Echoplex with my friend Judy.
With my step niece Lisette.
With my step niece Lisette.
Selfie with my nephew.
Selfie with my nephew.
My mom and my sister.
My mom and my sister.
My family consists of women except for my nephew =)
My family consists of women except for my nephew =)

Daddy Issues

Recently so many things have presented themselves that have had a common denominator, which is my dad. Let me give you a little back story. I grew up without a father. He was out of my life after I was born because my mom found out he was unfaithful. He came back into our lives when I was four years old and it was so weird to me since he was a stranger who was supposed to be my dad. Unfortunately I did not have to get used to him for too long since he left after a month. I never heard from him after that. Then when I was around 12 years old, my family and I traveled to Ecuador and set up a time to see my dad. Again it was the same awkward feeling, he acted like no time had passed. It was a very surreal moment in my life but that was the last time I saw him. So now that I am 29 years old I realize the void it created in my life since for so long I just pushed it away and was tough about it. This year my dad not being in my life has come up more than once and I’ve discovered how much of a loss its been and how much I actually wished I had a healthy upbringing. Growing up I always said that since he was not present and was never there that I felt no lack but in reality it was a huge loss in my life and I see how its affected me. Last week I went on a first date and was approached by a transient women. She came up to my date and I and began to evaluate the situation. She said, talking about my date who we’ll call Tom,

“All he wants to do is have sex with you but girl don’t worry you have all the power, you control the situation just know that. But don’t do that to her though dude because she has daddy issues.”

I was completely taken back after she said this. Everything she said before she revealed my daddy issues was correct. Sex, now isn’t that what drives men to take a women out and make her his girlfriend. I mean that is what it leads to so she was right on that. Then she also said that I have the power which is correct again. My friend and I actually have a name for it, pussy power =) its true though because if we’re not interested then its a red light for them. But once she called me out on my daddy issues I was floored, not because of her current track record but because I thought it was too much of a coincidence. I saw my life coach Archie, the night after the date and I told him that I felt pain on the left side of my chest and felt a vein that was popping out. He asked me if I was experiencing family problems and I didn’t understand because I thought he was talking about family medical history. So when he clarified what it was, the first thing that popped into my mind was my dad. I responded while being choked up and I began to cry and we began the process of shedding and processing the void. Afterwards I told my coach about what happened with the transient the night before. He told me that while I’m working on myself I will be more in tune with my environment. People and situations are going to speak to me and therefore being more aware I will understand why they are occurring. He said things won’t be coincidence anymore they will make sense because I am one with the universe and the creator is purposely creating these situations for me. That session was very important for me since now I am able to see things with new eyes. Since a lifetime of loss won’t heal with just one session of processing I came into contact with my dad again this week. Just yesterday I  was filing my moms messy papers and I came across a receipt. I found a receipt that stated that my dad worked in Lompoc, California as a radio broadcaster. Boom he hit again, I am still shedding the emotions since I never showed emotion over this man and tried to conceal it. I am tired of being strong but the truth is, it hurts. He’s never been in my life I’ve never had that feeling, that love from a man, my father. Being raised by women wasn’t easy and it would’ve been great to have him in my life. Why did you leave us? Two young daughters and a wonderful woman behind. You left my mom to raise us on her own without any help from you whatsoever. I’m ok with saying, yes I have daddy issues but at least I’m healing and processing now. Before I would just say it’s ok I’ve learned to deal with it but that’s a huge lie. I learned to repress it and that’s damaging. So I’m ok with it and I’m ok with processing my emotions because I’m ready to shed it and I know I’m on my way.

My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.
My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.