Am I really feeling like this already?

In 2018 I received my yoga teacher certification and just in the one year, it feels like I am starting to resent the life of a yoga teacher.

I started my “work profession”as a Behavior Therapist right after college. I graduated with a B.A. in Child and Adolescent Development and I felt proud that I was actually utilizing my degree in the real world, proud that all my hard work “paid off”. Well, after many years of sticking it out, I realized I was burnt out from the special needs field. That was when I began my journey through the scary jungle of professions.

I never explored different fields of work before graduating from college. I had a fun and safe job as a child/teen fitness coach at the YMCA, it was a great job while going through college. Back then I figured I didn’t need to intern because I already worked with children, what else is there to know? Well, a lot, like salary, job options, need for continued education and the value as a child care provider.

I’ve had to pave my way out of the norm and make my own lane. I became widely enthusiastic and enthralled in the esoteric world, the world of holistic healing. I felt like I finally discovered what I could make my own. I will make this my profession. I got my first certification as a Crystal Healer and that’s when the ball began to roll. Soon after that, I became a Certified Reiki Level II practitioner and then I decided it was a good idea to become a certified yoga instructor.

Even though I was advised by fellow yoga teachers about the struggle in the field. The novice part of me didn’t really seem to care. I didn’t absorb the element about it really being an entrepreneurial endeavor. I went into it thinking, “with my passion for it, I am sure it won’t be difficult”. LOUDLY clears throat. Well again, not the reality.

I’m seeing the struggle, going through it and starting to resent this profession. I feel like I have been searching for stability since leaving behind the human services field and I can’t wait any longer. Little did I know or understand the logistics of this type of work. The driving, selling yourself to different yoga studios, buying class packages to show you’re interested, the social media presence that can work for you or against you, the constant change, the photoshoots, business cards, flyers, oh yeah did I mention the fancy poses? Its a lot and I’m already tired just talking about it.

How can I recreate something I grew so passionate about to now something that I am unsure of. Are these postures even suited for the general public, with all the physical limitations and injuries how can I be authentic and teach a safe practice that follows ahimsa? Did I have to make this my profession?

I’m questioning my path, I’m lost and feeling like this as a yoga teacher I also feel isolated. I don’t find the passion for the Asana practice like my other colleagues and I feel alone. Ashamed for not gushing about poses. And going back to being authentic how can I teach a class if I don’t feel good physically doing them. Am I being a fraud?!

I’m also going through a lot physically in my body more than ever before. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and in another scary car accident all last year. Also I forgot to mention that I got laid off of my “secure” job within the same time frame. So I’m not your typical yoga teacher that will rant and rave about how the postures have changed my life. Because they haven’t. Actually since I’m now teaching more beginners and demoing more, it’s the opposite. My body feels worse than before and I feel pain in poses I never used to.

Ok that may be from all the added stress that I’m currently dealing with. For half of last year was in and out of doctor appointments, medical procedures, MRIs, being put under. My body is trying to find homeostasis. I’m just all kinds of tired of the struggle not just in this yoga teaching career but in general.

I’m finding that I may not be a regular Asana teacher and I’m leaning more on the restorative side of yoga. I feel like the Asana side can be and get very egotistical. A verbal assist in a classroom can really rub some people the wrong way and that is not where I want to be.

I guess this is all to say that my intention to being a yoga teacher didn’t start with the postures. It started and has always been a way to help those in need of refuge. The way I got into yoga funny enough was after I finally quit all child related work and was waking up at 4am anxious about my life.

I just want to help with poses that won’t don’t promote injury, breath, movement, awareness and love. Is that possible?

Easier Said Than Done

In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal I was compelled to write about the power of standing up for yourself. As it may be perceived, speaking up and standing up for yourself sounds easy, right? You get the chance to use your voice and tell others how you feel in hopes that it will stop; thus eliminating the problem! In a perfect world yes this can be accomplished, but unfortunately in many cases it does not result in a smooth procedure. When one is faced with sexual harassment, which comes in many forms such as, lewd immature gestures at or against you, fabricated stories that include you without your knowledge, rape, coercion, and so on. Speaking up against the perpetrator can put you in a difficult position, it can make you seem dramatic, weak, sensitive, it can even cost you your career as we’ve heard so many times before. Using your voice is a powerful thing because you are letting others know that you will not stand for what has happened to you and you are placing very important boundaries. Its difficult for others to put themselves in your position even when they see how it has affected you because, guess what? It did not happen to them so there is no way they can know how it feels. They will always have their perspective and opinion about it but that does not make them correct. At the end of the day you are the only one that has a right to provide your opinion on it because you unfortunately HAD to go through it. You will have people who don’t agree with your feelings and you will instantly take it personal because you have not only been wronged and because people don’t believe you, BUT know that it is ok.

You are stronger for using your voice and listening to your gut feeling, which twists and turns each time you are reminded by it. Doing this honors your higher self and further connects you to that all knowing power we all have within us. I am speaking because I recently experienced a from of harassment and had to deal with the feelings and opinions of others. I can say it was not easy but its something that had to be done because it did not sit right with me. I can tell you if I hadn’t done it, I would grow bitter and live in regret each day having to see that person. The old me would’ve kept quiet to avoid any type of awkwardness, all while feeling miserable inside- the incessant mind chatter- the classic should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I finally reached my limit and there was no stopping me this time. Although it was a tough lesson to learn, that of speaking up for myself and practicing peace even after invalidated opinions. I am so grateful I finally passed my test. I am grateful to exercise my voice and know, even though I’m still practicing, people will ALWAYS have an opinion about everything but as long as I know I am honoring myself and not harming others I will be just fine.

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Primavera Playlist

Playlist below in case you don’t use Spotify, enjoy!!

  1. Apollo Cobra – Feel like it
  2. Travis Scott – Goosebumps
  3. Storm Queen – Look Right Through (MK Dub III; The Sound of Deep House)
  4. Electric Guest – My Omen
  5. Marian Hill – Down
  6. Malkit Singh – Jind Mahi
  7. Drake – Ice Melts
  8. Anderson Park – Come Down
  9. Shakarchi & Straneus – Hissmusick
  10. Cosmo’s Midnight, Kucka – Walk With Me
  11. Tame Impala – The Moment
  12. Jamie XX, Young Thug, Popcorn – I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times)
  13. Cults – High Rode
  14. Kanye West – Fade
  15. Childish Gambino – California