Daddy Issues

Recently so many things have presented themselves that have had a common denominator, which is my dad. Let me give you a little back story. I grew up without a father. He was out of my life after I was born because my mom found out he was unfaithful. He came back into our lives when I was four years old and it was so weird to me since he was a stranger who was supposed to be my dad. Unfortunately I did not have to get used to him for too long since he left after a month. I never heard from him after that. Then when I was around 12 years old, my family and I traveled to Ecuador and set up a time to see my dad. Again it was the same awkward feeling, he acted like no time had passed. It was a very surreal moment in my life but that was the last time I saw him. So now that I am 29 years old I realize the void it created in my life since for so long I just pushed it away and was tough about it. This year my dad not being in my life has come up more than once and I’ve discovered how much of a loss its been and how much I actually wished I had a healthy upbringing. Growing up I always said that since he was not present and was never there that I felt no lack but in reality it was a huge loss in my life and I see how its affected me. Last week I went on a first date and was approached by a transient women. She came up to my date and I and began to evaluate the situation. She said, talking about my date who we’ll call Tom,

“All he wants to do is have sex with you but girl don’t worry you have all the power, you control the situation just know that. But don’t do that to her though dude because she has daddy issues.”

I was completely taken back after she said this. Everything she said before she revealed my daddy issues was correct. Sex, now isn’t that what drives men to take a women out and make her his girlfriend. I mean that is what it leads to so she was right on that. Then she also said that I have the power which is correct again. My friend and I actually have a name for it, pussy power =) its true though because if we’re not interested then its a red light for them. But once she called me out on my daddy issues I was floored, not because of her current track record but because I thought it was too much of a coincidence. I saw my life coach Archie, the night after the date and I told him that I felt pain on the left side of my chest and felt a vein that was popping out. He asked me if I was experiencing family problems and I didn’t understand because I thought he was talking about family medical history. So when he clarified what it was, the first thing that popped into my mind was my dad. I responded while being choked up and I began to cry and we began the process of shedding and processing the void. Afterwards I told my coach about what happened with the transient the night before. He told me that while I’m working on myself I will be more in tune with my environment. People and situations are going to speak to me and therefore being more aware I will understand why they are occurring. He said things won’t be coincidence anymore they will make sense because I am one with the universe and the creator is purposely creating these situations for me. That session was very important for me since now I am able to see things with new eyes. Since a lifetime of loss won’t heal with just one session of processing I came into contact with my dad again this week. Just yesterday I  was filing my moms messy papers and I came across a receipt. I found a receipt that stated that my dad worked in Lompoc, California as a radio broadcaster. Boom he hit again, I am still shedding the emotions since I never showed emotion over this man and tried to conceal it. I am tired of being strong but the truth is, it hurts. He’s never been in my life I’ve never had that feeling, that love from a man, my father. Being raised by women wasn’t easy and it would’ve been great to have him in my life. Why did you leave us? Two young daughters and a wonderful woman behind. You left my mom to raise us on her own without any help from you whatsoever. I’m ok with saying, yes I have daddy issues but at least I’m healing and processing now. Before I would just say it’s ok I’ve learned to deal with it but that’s a huge lie. I learned to repress it and that’s damaging. So I’m ok with it and I’m ok with processing my emotions because I’m ready to shed it and I know I’m on my way.

My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.
My dad was a famous radio DJ in Ecuador and he found a gig when he was living in California with us.
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