I met with my life coach yesterday and we finally had a full session, we got to tackle mind & body. Yesterday’s lesson was self acceptance pertaining to what we perceive as perfect. For instance, we see a woman with beautiful makeup and we think she’s perfect, and want to look like her. Or we may see someone who we think has a beautiful body and think it’s perfect. We think to ourselves and say “I want to look like that”, but the real question is, why don’t we see ourselves as perfect? Now is there a model to base ourselves to perfection? If we’re the only us than how are we not perfect just the way we are? Or are we created off a model? Are we a prototype? No. We’re the only us there is. I’m completely original, no one is at all like me and can’t be at all compared to me. Therefore we are perfect just the way we are. We have been programmed to believe that we are not perfect but the truth is that we are perfect. We were not made to replicate anybody else. So that socialized thought that we’re not perfect is incorrect and makes us strive for that “perfection”, whatever we think it is. When in reality we’re already perfect in our own way. What we have been trained to perceive as a flaw is not a flaw. That’s our perfection. What is perfect? We cannot compare ourselves to anybody since nobody has our exact genetic code. We are all individuals, different in our own ways. If we see a cup that has a faded out picture on it and ask if it’s perfect, we would say it’s not. Why? Because it’s supposed to look vibrant with the picture showing BUT in order for the cup to be perfect it needs to be compared to the model that it was made after right? So we look to the model and it has the vibrant picture on it but it’s dimensions are slightly different then the faded cup. Thus revealing that nothing can be perfect to replicate the model because even in manufacturing there are many “flaws” that are minute but can still make a cup that looks perfect but is slightly different from the model. It’s perfect in its own way. No one ever complains about the “imperfections” of the cup. It’s a half centimeter off but it’s still a working cup, it serves it’s purpose. Remember, you are one of a kind and are perfect just the way you are. No more saying nobodies perfect because that’s what has been programmed in us and that’s what hurts us. We try to reach that “perfect” when that perfect already exists in us.
So I planned on taking a DJ lesson yesterday by the one and only ReMitch. It was all planned out, first Mitch (The reMitch) and I would venture out to the Beat Swap Meet dig for some records and go back to his place to begin some spinning sessions. Good plan right? Well except we got there to late and the place was closed down because it reached capacity. The Beat Swap Meet is a record swap meet that travels throughout the states. Its full of musicians, artists, break dancers, music lovers, its even a place to bring the family. Its a lot of fun and would have been my first one ever but the fire marshals were not having anything to do with letting us in. Some of Mitch’s friends had a booth inside for their radio station called Vibes and Stuff told us they would get us in through the Exit door but apparently the fire marshal decided to guard the door after seeing others sneak their way in. Usually when the Beat Swap Meet is in Los Angeles its held in Chinatown but this time they held it in a warehouse in the Arts District Los Angeles where the streets are covered with murals upon murals of graffiti art. Its one of my favorite places to be in Los Angeles. Since we weren’t able to get in to the Beat Swap Meet we opted to go to the famous Artform Studio on 3rd St. The Artform Studio is a place where you can buy records but also get your hair cut, get your makeup done all while being in the company of talented professionals who not only know how to make you look good but know their music too. The atmosphere is so unique and electrifying, they come equip with turntables, good music, and great energy. Not only is this place insanely cool but they’ve had a lot of musicians come down and have photo shoots inside. Daft Punk paid them a visit for a magazine article in Wax Poetics. If you decide to go, pay my friend Larry G a visit and tell him Little Tania sent you =) So after we walked around the studio we kept wandering the streets and found some crafty stores where I tried on fun hats, which can drastically change your outfit. (I was dressed in a black in honor of the recent police brutality that has recently occurred.) We joined the remainder of our friends at Eighty Two Arcade, which is a bar loaded with fun arcade games. This place also has a DJ and has a lunch truck available if you’re hungry. Once everybody showed up we decided to go grub mmmm. We went to Manna Korean bbq. Now if you’ve never been, this is one spot you have to come to experience some authentic Korean bbq.
To be continued on the DJ session but at least my Sunday was definitely a funday =)
Recently so many things have presented themselves that have had a common denominator, which is my dad. Let me give you a little back story. I grew up without a father. He was out of my life after I was born because my mom found out he was unfaithful. He came back into our lives when I was four years old and it was so weird to me since he was a stranger who was supposed to be my dad. Unfortunately I did not have to get used to him for too long since he left after a month. I never heard from him after that. Then when I was around 12 years old, my family and I traveled to Ecuador and set up a time to see my dad. Again it was the same awkward feeling, he acted like no time had passed. It was a very surreal moment in my life but that was the last time I saw him. So now that I am 29 years old I realize the void it created in my life since for so long I just pushed it away and was tough about it. This year my dad not being in my life has come up more than once and I’ve discovered how much of a loss its been and how much I actually wished I had a healthy upbringing. Growing up I always said that since he was not present and was never there that I felt no lack but in reality it was a huge loss in my life and I see how its affected me. Last week I went on a first date and was approached by a transient women. She came up to my date and I and began to evaluate the situation. She said, talking about my date who we’ll call Tom,
“All he wants to do is have sex with you but girl don’t worry you have all the power, you control the situation just know that. But don’t do that to her though dude because she has daddy issues.”
I was completely taken back after she said this. Everything she said before she revealed my daddy issues was correct. Sex, now isn’t that what drives men to take a women out and make her his girlfriend. I mean that is what it leads to so she was right on that. Then she also said that I have the power which is correct again. My friend and I actually have a name for it, pussy power =) its true though because if we’re not interested then its a red light for them. But once she called me out on my daddy issues I was floored, not because of her current track record but because I thought it was too much of a coincidence. I saw my life coach Archie, the night after the date and I told him that I felt pain on the left side of my chest and felt a vein that was popping out. He asked me if I was experiencing family problems and I didn’t understand because I thought he was talking about family medical history. So when he clarified what it was, the first thing that popped into my mind was my dad. I responded while being choked up and I began to cry and we began the process of shedding and processing the void. Afterwards I told my coach about what happened with the transient the night before. He told me that while I’m working on myself I will be more in tune with my environment. People and situations are going to speak to me and therefore being more aware I will understand why they are occurring. He said things won’t be coincidence anymore they will make sense because I am one with the universe and the creator is purposely creating these situations for me. That session was very important for me since now I am able to see things with new eyes. Since a lifetime of loss won’t heal with just one session of processing I came into contact with my dad again this week. Just yesterday I was filing my moms messy papers and I came across a receipt. I found a receipt that stated that my dad worked in Lompoc, California as a radio broadcaster. Boom he hit again, I am still shedding the emotions since I never showed emotion over this man and tried to conceal it. I am tired of being strong but the truth is, it hurts. He’s never been in my life I’ve never had that feeling, that love from a man, my father. Being raised by women wasn’t easy and it would’ve been great to have him in my life. Why did you leave us? Two young daughters and a wonderful woman behind. You left my mom to raise us on her own without any help from you whatsoever. I’m ok with saying, yes I have daddy issues but at least I’m healing and processing now. Before I would just say it’s ok I’ve learned to deal with it but that’s a huge lie. I learned to repress it and that’s damaging. So I’m ok with it and I’m ok with processing my emotions because I’m ready to shed it and I know I’m on my way.
Paris, France was our second stop. I fell in love with Paris, its so romantic and beautiful. The culture is so rich and the people were quit delightful. We first went to the Palace of Versailles on such a beautiful day but unfortunately we were so amazed by the garden that we didn’t get a chance to go inside the palce. The next day we went to the Louvre Museum and probably only saw about 2 quarters of it all. After that we saw the beautiful Eiffel Tower and I could not stop taking pictures of it. On our last day my cousin who is a local there, took us to the famous Pont Des Arts (lock of love bridge) before the city took the locks down. My cousin took us to the Centre Georges Pompidou museum where break dancers put on a show right outside of it. We went to the Red Light District and took a picture in front of Moulin Rouge, Sacred Heart church where I found tons of graffiti surrounding the route there, and last but not least my mom and I got to eat escargot. It was so delicious!! xoxo
Last summer I took my mama on a Euro trip for her 60th birthday. Here are some pictures of our stay in Barcelona, Spain. I found a place on Air BnB for a reasonable price and our host was awesome, he even volunteered to take us to the water park there (Illa Fantasia). My mom and I went to so many places while we were there and walked our little feet off. The streets of Barcelona are full of people and adorned with graffiti. I fell in love with this city. Their culture is really encapsulating, they have siestas at 2 where they close most stores for a couple of hours and reopen afterwards. Although they didn’t close up shop in the summers because that’s when business booms for them. The food is amazing, my mom and I had a delicious plate of paella the first day we arrived accompanied with their classic sangria. We loved it! After our lovely meal we walked down the “Ramblas”, a walkway with artisan sellers, and went into the famous Boqueria. “La Boqueria” is a great big outdoor market place where there are all types of food. We enjoyed our first gelato afterwards. On our last day we visited the “Barceloneta Beach” where there were food vendors, bars on the beach, live music, and even some brave topless babes =) I love Spain. My packing strategy for the trip was to be fresh and cool since it was summer over there as well. I took a lot of short and long dresses and a few pairs of shorts and tons of comfy sandals.
So the reason why I’ve been seeing this miracle worker who is adjusting my bones, yeah bones. I know it sounds crazy and unreal but this man is truly sent from above. Anyhow we’ll go back to him later. When I was 16 years old I was in a life-changing car accident. I was in a coma for a week and a half and suffered a traumatic brain injury, punctured lung, hairline fracture on my collar bone, and a fractured rib and was hospitalized for one month. I went through an intensive rehabilitation program where I saw a speech therapist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, and recreation therapist. It was a hell of a ride and once I was able to understand what happened to me, all I could think of was getting out of that sterile place and go back to what I was accustomed to, being a spunky teenage girl. I desperately wanted to go back to school, now what high school junior wants to go to school? Well when you’re taken away from everything that’s familiar and isolated in a small room where Doctors and nurses are your friends instead of your teenage friends, you’d probably want to go back too. I had no time to feel sorry for myself, sad, or even cry about what happened, I never showed my emotions. I had constant visitations from friends and even though I was happy to see them and hear all that was happening in school I started to feel sad and anxious about not being there. Slowly but surely my visitations were cut short because I became overwhelmed at night. I was unable to sleep at night due to all the stories I heard from my friends and my memories from school. Needless to say, that would be the first obstacle I had to face. I was prescribed sleeping medication in order to wind down at night. During my stay, I learned that the therapists that worked with me got together to talk about my progress every week. Because of this, I made sure I impressed them while in therapy. I knew I had to shock them in order to get released from the hospital so I pulled out all the stops. I remember one of my sessions with my recreational therapist was to bake cookies. I used to bake cookies all the time with my best friend so of course, I had to show her my skills. I impressed all of my therapists during sessions and was surprisingly out of the hospital in exactly a month from being admitted. I was admitted April 16, 2002, and was released May 16, 2002; ten days before my birthday! I know its pretty unbelievable but it happened. All this was way too convenient because who wants to spend their birthday in a hospital? It seemed like after all the grief my family and I went through we were finally getting some slack. After being released I was only seen by a speech therapist. My rehabilitation still required more although that was the only therapy strongly suggested by the doctor so I went to a speech therapist. I stayed with the speech therapist for two years and she worked on the side effects I acquired from the accident: short term memory, aphasia (communication disorder that affects the ability to use or understand language), and deductive reasoning. She helped me with tips on remembering things like making a schedule and writing things down on post so that I can be reminded of important dates and such. She also helped me go through the proper steps when doing routine tasks, like when she asked me how I make a sandwich and I said everything except for the bread (wow did I need help). As you can see speech therapy played a major role in my personal outcome but unfortunately, I required much more help. Fast forward to 6 years post the accident and every morning I wake up as if I got ran over by a train, I have to constantly turn my mattress so that it’s as even as possible and for the longest time I don’t know why I feel this way. I finally realize that this is a result of the car accident. I am constantly fatigued and not very happy about the pain I was enduring on a daily basis. My back and neck took the brunt of the impact but nobody thought about how my body would feel years after the accident. I lived with this pain for 7 years, until my mom meets Archie at a party. This is the man who is healing my body and readjusting my bones. With just light compression with his two hands, he has been able to rediscover my sunken ribs, clavicle, shoulder, hips, and femurs. The impact moved not only my brain in my skull but also the bones in my body. This man is who I have been seeing, he’s not only treated and adjusting my body but he is also providing therapy to heal my anxiety and pain I’ve endured leading up to where I am at. So when I say I’m on a road to recovery I mean it in every way it translates.