Winter Playlist

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I bid farewell.

For me 2017 was extremely eye opening. I went so deep, deep into places and spaces I never explored. Through this journey I gained clarity and remembered that I am immeasurable. I am not how much money I make, my occupation, where I live, who my friends are, if I’m romantically involved or not, if I have children, have a family etc. All of that is fluff, none of it is real. Those things do not define us. What defines us is who we are inside. Our souls, our love, our energy, our truth. I learned a whole lot this year, things I discovered about myself that I never knew. I spent more time with myself doing things I enjoy. Getting to know myself a little more each time. What I found out is how much I like my solitude and yet at the same rate, how much I enjoy being around people and socializing. My Gemini- self craves being social and yet I yearn for the quiet times to reset and just be. Balancing those two dynamics are what keep me sane. 2017 was also about learning to let go, being aware of when things really aren’t aligning to me and being at peace with it. I think this is where I grew the most or where I was challenged the most. I have learned not to dwell on life of which I have no control over. I do my best and practice surrendering and trust its for my highest good. This aspect is still a practice for me and I definitely can not say that it is easy. This year I started off my business and its been a trip. I’ve already experienced highs and lows but the most important thing I learned is that a business takes time to expand and develop. There is no such thing as instant success. As much as I want to quit and give-up on what I’ve started with the crystals I feel a pull to keep going. I got certified in Reiki level 1 & 2 this year, which is also a great leap for me. Never did I think I would be called to do this. Looking back on the year I am proud of what I have gone through. For years I avoided any type of confrontation with people about issues that bothered me to spare them and me of being uncomfortable. This year I overcame it. Honoring my voice and using it when I feel the need. Practicing this is a work, it doesn’t always feel good inside, its foreign, why should it if you’ve never done it? But its necessary. I am definitely proud of what I’ve accomplished this year amongst all the hurdles.

I don’t do resolutions because they don’t scream “consistent”. So I make intentions. My intentions:

I am confident, powerful, and bold and release helplessness.

I am whole and release feelings of yearning.

I am grateful and release feelings of scarcity

 

Easier Said Than Done

In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal I was compelled to write about the power of standing up for yourself. As it may be perceived, speaking up and standing up for yourself sounds easy, right? You get the chance to use your voice and tell others how you feel in hopes that it will stop; thus eliminating the problem! In a perfect world yes this can be accomplished, but unfortunately in many cases it does not result in a smooth procedure. When one is faced with sexual harassment, which comes in many forms such as, lewd immature gestures at or against you, fabricated stories that include you without your knowledge, rape, coercion, and so on. Speaking up against the perpetrator can put you in a difficult position, it can make you seem dramatic, weak, sensitive, it can even cost you your career as we’ve heard so many times before. Using your voice is a powerful thing because you are letting others know that you will not stand for what has happened to you and you are placing very important boundaries. Its difficult for others to put themselves in your position even when they see how it has affected you because, guess what? It did not happen to them so there is no way they can know how it feels. They will always have their perspective and opinion about it but that does not make them correct. At the end of the day you are the only one that has a right to provide your opinion on it because you unfortunately HAD to go through it. You will have people who don’t agree with your feelings and you will instantly take it personal because you have not only been wronged and because people don’t believe you, BUT know that it is ok.

You are stronger for using your voice and listening to your gut feeling, which twists and turns each time you are reminded by it. Doing this honors your higher self and further connects you to that all knowing power we all have within us. I am speaking because I recently experienced a from of harassment and had to deal with the feelings and opinions of others. I can say it was not easy but its something that had to be done because it did not sit right with me. I can tell you if I hadn’t done it, I would grow bitter and live in regret each day having to see that person. The old me would’ve kept quiet to avoid any type of awkwardness, all while feeling miserable inside- the incessant mind chatter- the classic should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I finally reached my limit and there was no stopping me this time. Although it was a tough lesson to learn, that of speaking up for myself and practicing peace even after invalidated opinions. I am so grateful I finally passed my test. I am grateful to exercise my voice and know, even though I’m still practicing, people will ALWAYS have an opinion about everything but as long as I know I am honoring myself and not harming others I will be just fine.

throat-chakra2

My Rebirth

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Me with an NG tube inserted, wearing my fabulous rainbow belt and petting the therapy dog.

For the past year or so I have taken my healing to be my top priority; physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. You name it, I’ve done it; psychotherapy, acupuncture, magnetic therapy, family constellation, non-force chiropractor, energy healing, foot detox, neurosoma therapy and the list goes on. See I have lived most of my life in pain, physical, emotional, and spiritual, which explains a strong connection to Frida Kahlo’s art and words. Lets back track a little – now this is definitely not a sob story but this information is required in order to understand the full scope.

In 2002 I was 16 years old and a Junior in high school, and I was in a very scary car accident. I suffered a traumatic brain injury leaving me hospitalized for a month. I was in a coma for a week and then placed under a medically induced coma to avoid my swollen brain from touching the inside of my skull. Waking up to family and friends talking to me and not being able to respond was not easy and difficult to understand what was going on. I remember I would see my friends and hear them tell me about their day but not being able to respond. I felt like I was dreaming the whole time. This was such a weird dream, I thought. I remember I was able to ask my mom what happened and why I was in a hospital room. In tears my mother explained to me what happened, that is when my life went from 16 year junior in high school rehabilitating in the hospital. I literally had to relearn everything, swallowing, walking, kicking, eating, my laugh was even foreign. I remember being in physical therapy standing inside of a clock and asked to keep my left foot in the center while I had to place my right foot on different numbers. My coordination was a mess and lets not talk about my balance. I had to wear a rainbow gait belt in case I lost my equilibrium. It was all so dream like and unreal. I had 4 different therapies (speech, occupational, physical, and recreational therapy) and I knew that at the end of the week they all got together to discuss my progress; so I did my best to impress them. The strange thing was that I never cried about what happened to me. I felt I needed to be the strong one, since I put my family through so much pain, I did not want to see them hurt because of me anymore. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I made it my goal to get out of the hospital as soon as possible so I could return to my “normal” life, or so I thought. Funny thing was that from that point on my life had changed and would never be the same again. I did what I set out to do and managed to get discharged from the hospital exactly a month after the car accident. I turned 17 years old ten days after my discharge and I began my “normal life” again. It was far from normal, I started wishing I had nurses monitoring me soon after I found out I was taking anti-seizure medication, I wanted night lights, where were all the beeping machines? This was the most sensitive and delicate time of my life and I had no idea what was going on and how meaningful this time was. I thought everything would go back to “normal” and I would just go back to what I left behind but I soon found out that nothing was ever going to be the same.

My perspective was the biggest change and slowly but surly noticed my friends dwindle away. I became hard, straightforward, bitchy if you will but it was what I learned after such a hard transition. Those weren’t the only changes I had to deal with. I realized noise was a big problem. Too much noise overwhelmed me and over stimulated me. My family was told that I had to continue with speech therapy and see a psychiatrist so we followed through with the doctors request and trusted that he gave us all the necessary measures needed for treatment. Forgetting about the trauma that my body underwent during the accident we carried out the doctors orders. Years later, to my early 20’s I start noticing how I could not get accustomed to my bed. Every morning I would wake up complaining with a sore body, feeling all of the dips and slopes in the mattress. Not being able to turn my head rapidly because I experienced sharp pains, not being able to raise my arms all the way, my back and shoulders in constant pain, hip and groin problems, my elbows would hurt if they were rested on a table for too long and the worst one was my scalp, suddenly it felt tender to the touch. As if my hair was in a tight ponytail for a year and nothing not even my pillow would be comfortable. I remember my mother always telling me that it was all in my head and that I was just being picky about my mattress but I always knew deep down inside it was because how the car accident left me. Not only was I feeling pain in my body but I was emotionally unavailable for anybody and anything. I could not cry or feel sorry for any reason. I thought that was normal. I remember when my first anxiety attack happened, I was 23 years old and I didn’t know what hit me. I began therapy at my college and that was when I learned I had never processed and healed from the accident. I learned to shut off my emotions at such a young age, which was my way of protecting myself, a defense mechanism. I was only with my therapist for 3 months until I graduated and had to find someone else. While I was trying to heal my emotional self I was still in need of a physical release. Spiritually I was lost and searching for solace. I was reaching but not reaching enough. I was young and thought it would eventually disappear and I would just be “fixed”.

Now I’m 32 years old and I can finally feel my road to recovery is so close. I am excited and really proud of how far I’ve come. I have taken the last year to really focus on myself and heal for myself. I was always looking outside of me for answers and for others to magically heal me but learned that no one can heal me unless I am willing, ready and able to do the work. I am the only one who can do that. Happiness. love, and confidence starts from within, none are found externally. I continue on this path and trust that I will get there and if I don’t I will know I did all I could to.

Do your body good

It’s been almost a year now since I transitioned my eye make up to vegan/cruelty free products. I realized that if I’m going to be careful with my diet I should also be careful with what I put on my face. So I purchased a water-proof “Natural eye pencil” in Jet by Pacifica Beauty and I love it. Not only is it free of the gunk you don’t want on your face but it is very easy to wash off. Usually I have to wash my face 2-3 times just to get my eye liner and mascara off but definitely not with this awesome liner. I also purchased a mascara by Gabriel Cosmetics in Jet Black. This cosmetic line is also vegan! No harsh chemicals, no animal products, and super easy to wash off. This mascara is great because it lengthens your lashes and reduces breakage. These lines are both found at Whole Foods and Sprouts and anywhere they sell health conscious food. Let me know what you think I will never go back to mainstream brands!!